Spider!
by lychee.no.shinjitsu
Summary: Various characters interact with perhaps the most misunderstood creature on the planet: the spider. Requests open! Rated T for language. Contains crack in its purest form.
1. Byakuya & Renji

I don't own Bleach or anything, but it would be pretty sweet if I did.

All crack. You have been warned...

Also, leave requests! I'm doing Ulquiorra next, I think, but if you have anyone you'd like to see meet a spider, let me know!

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><p>During his walks in the garden, it was not uncommon for Byakuya to see bugs or small animals frolicking about. He did not mind these small intrusions into his meditation; to him, they simply added to the serene, natural display around him. Often, he would reach out to touch a butterfly or a spider, remarking upon its quiet beauty and unassuming nature. He had even come to love the woodpecker who had decided to nest in his second-favorite sakura tree, secretly named Moku. So needless to say, Byakuya was very content with the small zoo he had in his garden.<p>

One warm sunny day in October, Byakuya happened upon a large spider in his study. Bending to pick it up, he felt around and determined there to be no reiatsu around, so he began talking quietly to the arachnid in his hand.

"Just look at your size. You must be quite a magnificent creature to have grown so much; I should put you back in the garden, so you might flourish." It was quite uncharacteristic of Byakuya to speak to anything with this tone of voice, but then again, it only seemed so to outsiders. No one except the Captain and his "pets" ever heard that tone, and no one ever would.

Continuing his cooing, he brought the spider closer to his face for further inspection. It immediately raised its legs and tried to attach itself to his nose. "Why, you're so friendly. I think I'll call you Kumo the Seventh." He was so lost in the beauty of the spider that he didn't notice the redhead standing directly behind him, looking bored.

"Hey Taichou."

Byakuya turned around, forgetting the spider. "Yes, Lieutenant? What do you need?"

Renji blanched.

The captain was puzzled as to why until he felt the other man's large hand collide with his face and heard his shriek of terror.

"HOOOOOOOLY FUCK THAT'S A FUCKING MASSIVE SPIDER!"

The next thing he knew, Byakuya was on the floor of his office with a rather painful feeling spreading across his face.

"Shit, Taichou, I'm so sorry. I didn't even mean to hit you. There was just this…" Renji shuddered. "…this mother of a spider on your face. I had to get it off." He knelt down next to his captain and offered his hand. He got nothing but a death glare in return.

"You killed Kumo the Seventh." Byakuya said coolly, rising from the floor and wiping the twitching remains of his pet off his face. "I think you need to leave."

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><p>AN: An idea me, cherryblossomnights, and mukashinohikari thought of at lunch. Based partially on the massive stinkbug-eating spiders that have started appearing on my house. (Renji is channeling pure Lychee here. Just saying.)


	2. Ichigo & Rukia

I don't own Bleach, blah blah blah

Ichiruki shipping! YEAHHHHHHH  
>Thanks for everyone who reviewedrequested! (_LEAVE MOREEEE_) o3o

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><p>It was a normal night in the Kurosaki household. The entire family, plus Rukia, was crowded around the table, wolfing down Yuzu's fried chicken. Ichigo had turned off his Hollow-Detector, and it was the first night in a few months he'd been able to just relax with his sisters. He would no doubt get an earful from Ishida the next day, but tonight he just didn't care. He hadn't been able to spend much time at home recently and he had forgotten just how good Yuzu's cooking was.<p>

"Yuzu, pass me some of that chicken." Ichigo tried to ask through his mouthful of bread.

"Ichi-nii, you have to be poliiiiite!" Yuzu rebuked, but handed him the plate anyway.

"Jeez, Yuzu, you don't have to be such a nag." Karin choked out around the chicken leg sticking out of her mouth.

"My darling children, fighting! How... how can this beeee? I thought I raised them well!" Isshin slumped over to the huge portrait of his wife and tried to hug it. "Masakiiii..."

Rukia didn't add to the conversation; she just liked to watch the family interact. She had never had any of this, not in Rukongai and not with her brother. It was a luxury the working-class people had that the upper and lower crusts didn't.

Rukia's thoughts were interrupted when Yuzu shrieked. Everyone froze, and she timidly pointed to the light above the table. A rather large, hairy spider clung to the underside. "K-karin-chan! Get the spider! Will you get it? Please?" Yuzu hugged herself in the farthest corner of the dining room.

"Hell yeah. I ain't afraid of no spider!" Karin grabbed her napkin and propelled herself up so she was standing on the table, feet carefully placed in between dishes of chicken and bread. Her eyes stalked the fly as she waited for the right moment to pounce.

Rukia's laid-back attitude was gone... all she saw was a disaster waiting to happen. "Karin-chan, watch what you're-" CRASH. All of a sudden, Karin was on the floor and there was food everywhere.

"Kaaaarinnnn! You messed up dinner!" Yuzu cried.

"Well, sorreee! Did you want the spider gone or not?"

"Well, yeah! But you didn't have to knock the table over!"

"How else was I supposed to get it down? Fly?"

"Karin-chan, you're being mean!" Yuzu seemed on the verge of tears, so Ichigo decided to intervene. "Girls, come on. Karin,apologize to Yuzu and help her clean up. Yuzu, call whatever takeout you want. I'll pay. I'm just gonna go do my homework, I wasn't that hungry anyway." And without giving anyone a chance to respond, he turned and headed up the stairs, Rukia following close behind.

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><p>"What's wrong, Ichigo?" Rukia asked.<p>

"Hm? Oh, nothing. It's just that I hate seeing Karin and Yuzu fight. I mean, they're twins."

"Well, you have to admit that Karin did try to make Yuzu happy..."

Ichigo rolled his eyes. "She didn't do a very good job."

"Che!" Rukia crossed her arms. "Okay, Mister Smarty Pants, how would you have gotten rid of the spider?"

"Obviously not how she did. When the spider is on the ceiling, you get out the vacuum and put the long hose on it and suck it away." he gestured at the ceiling to make his point.

Rukia thought for a minute. "So you're not scared of spiders?"

"Um, I'm pretty sure no seventeen-year-old guy is. Well, maybe except Keigo. Why?"

"Hold still. Like real still." She ran off, chanting "Tissue, tissue..." under her breath.

"Rukia!" She didn't answer. Ichigo didn't know what this was about, but he sure as hell wasn't about to hold still and find out. He brushed his hair back, but instead of feeling spiky hair as usual, he felt something coarse and prickly. He brought his hand in front of his face and screamed.

"RUKIA! THERE'S A SPIDER IN MY HAIR!" No sooner than her name left his mouth, Rukia sprinted back into his bedroom, wielding a box of tissues.

"Don't worry, Ichigo! I got this!"

Ichigo couldn't reply. He was too fixated on the spider currently crawling up his arm.

"Hold still!" Rukia commanded. She held his arm (so tightly Ichigo thought she was going to break something) and scooped the spider up with a tissue.

"Will you squish it?" Ichigo asked in a small voice.

"Nope. I'm letting Mister Kumo go free outside." She walked over to the window, opened it, and shook the spider out onto the wall. She shut the window and turned to Ichigo. "Now that wasn't so bad, was it?"

Ichigo couldn't speak. He sat stiffly on his bed and held his arms out for a hug.

Rukia smiled. "Oh you." She bent over and hugged him. "Don't worry, I won't tell anyone about your fear of spiders."

Ichigo grinned into her hair. "Thanks."

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><p>Outside, Isshin and Yuzu were making good use of Rukia's box of tissues.<p>

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><p>AN: How was my first try at Ichiruki? I ship them so hard but I can never write anything good for them... I love their relationship.

And guess what? I got cherryblossomnights to guest-write a Shunsui/Nanao chapter! YAYAYAY I'm pretty excited for this... she writes them so welllll. Anyway, thanks for reading, and I hope you liked 3


	3. Shunsui & Nanao

HOORAY! An update! Sorry about the lack of new chapters... life kind of punched me in the face.

But look! cherryblossomnights has graced this fic with her ShunNao shipping! Go to her page and read her stuff and tell her you love her!

Also by the way, Kubo-troll-san owns Bleach, not Lychee.

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><p>Nanao sat at her desk, filling out the usual paperwork regarding the expenses of the Eighth Squad- namely, the <em>sake<em> expenses. She sighed. It really was quite a pain in the ass to have to fill out these forms week after week. Other squads did not have to do this. The only reason she could allow her ludacris (LOLZ) Taichou to get away with the nonsense was because of his claim of "intra-squad unity."

She had once called bullshit on it, but... she soon realized that it was indeed true.

She just could not believe that _liquor_ beat the trust exercises she had been taught in school. It was rather absurd, really.

But her thoughts were interrupted when she the secretaries began to scream.

"AHHH KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT MAIM IT DESTROY IT AHHHH!"

"EEEEEP I HATE THEM I HATE THEM GET IT AWAY FROM ME!"

"TAKE _THAT_!"

She heard a loud smack, and it was soon quiet again.

The fukutaichou shook her head, and looked to the window. There lived a rather large spider, whose web glowed majestically whenever there was dew or especially bright moonlight. It shimmered with all it's might, and it never failed to make Nanao smile.

She remembered...

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><p><em>Her captain smiled at her. "Nanao-chan," he said, "you are getting quite old. You should start saving up for retirement."<em>

_Nanao rolled her eyes. "Taichou, shinigami receive tenure."_

_He chuckled. "Nanao, you're too young to know about that. How do you know about that, anyway?"_

"_Only a fool would invest their time into something without knowing what he or she is getting his or her self into."_

_He simply shook his head. "Nanao, today is a day to have fun. But... what should we do? I'm all our of ideas this year. But you're good at strategy! Why don't you think of something for us to do on this beautiful summer day?"_

_Nanao furrowed her brow in thought. Normally she would try to argue that she was just a little girl, that a Taichou of the Gotei 13 should not spend his time satisfying the extravagant wishes of someone of her age and place. Nevertheless, she knew it to be useless on her birthday. He thought highly of birthdays so she chose instead to say her breath._

"_Why don't we have a picnic?" This was the most likely plan that would only allow for a couple hours at most, and it was easy to set up and clean up, and was inexpensive. Nanao thought she had the perfect plan._

_Until she was picked up and spun around. "Nanao-chan! That's the best idea you've had for a while!" He put her down and she wobbled slightly. "Give me ten minutes. Meet me outside of the office!" And with that he ran out of the room._

_He was only five minutes late, which was surprising. With the amount of zeal that he seemed intent on putting into this, she was sure he'd be at least a half hour late._

"_Nanao-chan!"_

_Her mouth fell open in disbelief._

_A horse-drawn carriage? How in the seven hells had he managed to pull this off?_

"_Captain... what is this?"_

_He laughed, wagging a finger at her. "Now, I know you've seen one of these in those fairy tales we used to read together."_

"_Taichou, I know what it is. I want to know what you're doing with one of those. And where did you even get it?"_

_He smile broadened proudly. "I know people."_

_She shook her head as she climbed in. "I do hope this is legal, Taichou." Nanao wondered how this man managed to misjudge her repeatedly. Did her really think she would enjoy something like this? All she wanted was a simple picnic. However, she knew better than to try to tell him that. She did not want to hurt his feelings, and it was very kind of him to go this far for a subordinate. This just was not her cup of tea... despite his apparent want for it to be._

"_Oh, Nanao-chan, lighten up!" He winked at her. "Besides, you're a little girl, and what's done is done." He nudged her with his elbow. "Are you ready?"_

_She smiled, nodding._

"_MUSH!"_

"_Taichou, I don't think that's it..."_

_Nanao gasped. "Taichou... this... this... it's beautiful." She stepped as though the ground was too fragile to hold her small weight. She gazed, smiling, with wide indigo eyes shimmering with awe. She heard the distant shamisen music, and started to dance. The midsummer sun illuminated the blooms on the lilac trees, and it gave the picnic a beautiful violet glow. She felt as if she were a character in a novel, whose dreams were about to come true._

_This is what she had always wanted for her birthday._

_Shunsui grinned. He had never seen his Nanao-chan so happy. He knew that there was a little princess inside of her, hiding somewhere deep within her heart, and after three years he had finally found it._

_He would do this every year if he could see this side of her again._

"_Taichou, what are we having to eat?"_

_He rubbed his hands together and attacked the picnic basket. He pulled out lots and lots of wrapped goodies, all various sizes and shapes and colors._

"_Nanao, have I got a special treat for you!" He unwrapped what appeared to be paper from a round object. It was in a golden foil bottom, and the top was golden brown and steaming._

"_It smells delicious, Taichou, what is it?"_

"_You know those fairy tales I would read you? And how there would be giant feasts?" He looked up at her. "I got a western feast for you, just like the western princesses would have." His heart fluttered with the joy of a parent as her face lit up, eyes dancing in curiosity and amazement. He never thought he could ever be a parent, but the look on her face told him that he would have to try, so long as beauty such as that existed._

"_Nanao, why don't you try some?"_

_She nodded happily, taking the package from him. But it almost immediately fell out of her hand, and a look of terror came across her face._

"_AHHHH TAICHOU KILL IT PLEASE! PLEASE! TAICHOU GET IT AWAY!"_

_Shunsui smiled. The spider was hanging from the branch above them, and she danced, frightened, to get it off._

_He scooped her up, brushing the spider into his hand, saying, "Nanao. What is there to fear?"_

_She began to shake slightly. "I just… Spiders… So many legs… hairy…"_

_He laughed deeply, a rough rumble that Nanao felt in her bones. It calmed her. "Nanao-chan, look up into that tree." She raised her eyes to the tree branch that held the spider web. There were drops of water caught on it from the summer rain the night before that glistened in the sun. It was majestic in ways a little girl simply could not fathom. "It's magnificent, is it not?" She nodded. "Spiders use their webs as a place to live. When they dangle on the little string of it, they are expanding their little homes. You know what he was doing when he came down here?" Nanao shook her head. "He was trying to join our picnic! He wanted to meet you because he knows that you're sweet and smart and fun to be around!"_

_Nanao smiled, shaking her head. She climbed out of his arms before pecking him on the forehead. "Thank you Taichou. You're right, he should join the feast! He can be the court jester!" He grinned at him slyly. "Although, no one can beat you at your own job…"_

_Shunsui feigned a gasp. "Why little Nanao-chan! Aren't you the little jokester!" He laughed, but then stopped immediately. "Wait. What happened to the spider? He was just in my hand…." He looked down only to find the smashed remains in his palm._

_Nanao smiled. "Maybe we should find some more who can join us!"_

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><p>The spider on the windowsill sat in majestic silence, just as Nanao did. They had indeed gathered all the spiders they could find, and it was a glorious party. Nanao has yet to have experienced a better birthday…<p>

Every time she saw a spider she thought of Shunsui… Then, that was not saying much. She thought of Shunsui most of the time, spider or not.

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><p>AN: I quite liked it, I dunno about you...

Look forward to mukashinohikari's Grimmy chapter and Kit's (I don't know her username! ;_;) Chad chapter!

I promise to try and write that Hitsugaya & Matsumoto chapter for Starfire-028! Thanks for all the motivation, I will make sure to write the best Hitsugaya fic that has ever been written, just for you :)))


	4. Hitsugaya & Matsumoto

Firstly, I am so sorry this took so long. I realized that it's been like five months, and I had totally forgotten this even existed. So even though this is short, I hope you all (especially Starfire-028, who requested it) enjoy it, and hopefully I'll get back in the swing of things and get writing again!

Secondly, Bleach is not mine, because if it was Ichiruki would be canon already.

Thirdly, requests motivate me. Akai-Miko, you're next! I haven't forgotten you, I promise! 3

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><p>Rangiku knew there was really no point in asking, but she figured she'd try anyway. After all, it was Friday, and even her strict captain wouldn't deny her a break after a full week of work. She marched over to his office and stuck her head through the door. "Hey, Taichou! I was wondering..."<p>

"Nope." Hitsugaya didn't even blink as he shot down her hopes with one short syllable.

"Wha...? But you don't even hear the question yet!"

He looked up from his paperwork. "I don't need to. You're about to ask me if you can have the rest of the day off, a request which I decline immediately because you're supposed to be supervising the cleaners."

She snorted. "Please, Taichou, they left like a half hour ago. Even they get Friday afternoons off, why can't I?" She crossed her arms and pouted.

"They left?" Why was it that every time he talked to her, he ended up in a worse mood than before? He was beginning to think she annoyed him on purpose. No idea why, but there was no way anyone could be this irritating without knowing it. "It's only ten thirty! I told them to clean out the entire headquarters, there's no way they could be done!"

"They said they needed to start their weekend early."

Hitsugaya scowled. "More like get drunk early, if you ask me."

"Can I get drunk early with them?"

A glare from the small captain silenced Rangiku immediately. "Alright, fine, I'll go do paperwork or something." She flounced back to her office.

Which left Hitsugaya to simmer quietly and think about several things at once, including but not limited to: his newfound hatred for the Tanaka and Sons cleaning company, his ongoing irritation with his lieutenant, and how dirty it was in his office. _Well_, he thought, _I'm not going to get much done unless this place is clean_. He was nothing if he wasn't a clean freak.  
>As he got out the small dustpan he kept under his desk, he heard a scream from the other room. A distinctly feminine scream.<br>"Matsumoto, get back to work! Stop slacking!" was all he could get out before his lieutenant burst into his office, sans top. Hitsugaya could only stare in shock while she danced around, slapping at herself and making little shrieky noises.  
>"Lieutenant, what... why..."<br>"There was a spider! On me! Ew ew ew there was a spiderrrrr!" Rangiku was almost in tears.  
>Hitsugaya was unimpressed. "And you've removed your top because...?"<br>"The spider was on my chest! _Right here_!" She pointed to her cleavage. "It was crawling in and it scared me!"  
>"Hey, is everything alright in here?" Shuuhei stuck his head through the open window and glanced around. "I heard screaming and... oh... um..." He trailed off as he noticed Rangiku. "I'll, erm, just be going then... don't want to interrupt..." His head disappeared as quickly as it had come.<br>Hitsugaya turned back to his lieutenant. "Now look what you've done! You've gone and... well, I don't know what you did to Hisagi, but you did something. Now put a shirt on before anyone else sees and get back to work!" He was at the end of his rope. Any time he tried to do work, things like this happened, usually because of his dopey lieutenant. He thought it might be time for a transfer request again.  
>"Don't worry, Taichou, it's nothing he hasn't seen before." Rangiku turned and pulled up the top of her shihakushou. "He's used to it. But okay, ew, we really need to get this place cleaned..." Her voice faded as she walked back into her office, leaving her captain to contemplate what she had just said, and hope to every god there was that he'd get his request approved this time.<p>

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><p>[AN]: So here you have it. Sorry it's so short! Midterms and applying for college totally slayed me, and then there was just a tornado of shit going on, so yeah. Things are better now. :)


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